Archive | September 2010

Brain dump

Alright. I’ve been spending a ton of time on homework and no time blogging.  So, I guess it’s time to just do a complete memory dump to get out what’s been going on in my life.

1. School: As some of you know, I’m moving soon (about 4 weeks from now).  So, knowing I would be moving this semester, I dropped down to half time classes and they are online.  I’m trying to get them out of the way before I move though because my exams have to be done AT school.  It’s the most frustrating thing I’ve ever heard of.  2 years of classes on campus and I’ve taken fewer at school exams than I will have for 2 online classes.  More frustrating is the fact that they are no notes and no book.  I was powering through the homework, assuming that the at school exams would be similar to the one at home exam I took thus far, and so I wasn’t doing the best at writing things to memory.  I also was just chugging through chapters to get to the end, thinking I would go take the 2 exams for Accounting once I’d finished all the homework.  But, now that I found out we can’t use notes, I have to stop, go back, study, then go take one exam.  It really has put a cramp in the momentum I’d built up.  This is disheartening because this semester is probably the most motivated I’ve been to do homework in my entire life.  And now that I’ve been derailed (because working 3rd shift doesn’t work well with going to campus to take exams) I fear that I will lose too much time trying to adjust sleep to be timely on completing the class.   Well, there’s a bit on school.

2. Work: My time here is finally nearing an end.  After 3+ years and ZERO raises, I’m counting down the days to saying GOODBYE!  Even though they’ve treated me sorta poorly, I still feel some guilt having known for months that I would be leaving and not letting them know.  I might give a two and a half week notice instead of a two week notice. The guilt is caused by: I am the only Security Officer here.  We recently lost the other 2 that had been working here and I am the only one with the proper knowledge to train new people.  If I leave before we get new hires (which is seeming more and more likely), I will be leaving these guys high and dry.  I do plan on letting my boss know that I will be available for training new hires on Friday and Saturday nights, but the 3 hour drive up to do that doesn’t sound especially fun or worth it.  Hopefully we have our new people by next week. (fingers crossed)  The best part of this is that I will no longer be working with my ex.  Working with her has been a torment and a half for the past 6 months.  I always knew that dating people you work with was possibly a bad idea, but I never thought I’d fall for someone the way I did her.  The best 3 months of my life got overshadowed by the worst 6 months (nearing 7) of my life.  Hopefully, with quitting this job and relocating, I can finally put her in the past for good and move on with my life, whatever that entails.

3. Personal:  Well, I already touched on the Catalina issue.  Some days I miss her so bad, I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest and begin a voyage to find her.  Other days, I’m sickened with myself for feeling such feelings for a person who so easily threw me to the curb.

Speaking of exes.  The ex-fiance, Kim, who I’d finally gotten over enough to become good friends with (by gaining such incredible feelings for Catalina), is no longer allowed to talk to me.  Long story, I won’t divulge details, NO I didn’t do anything with her (so don’t go there people).  But, it saddens me a bit.  She had become someone I talked to on a pretty frequent basis in the past few months and now my days will be that much more empty.

I’ve complained for 3 years that I’ve yet to make a friend in Northern Virginia, but now I’m kind of glad (and that statement isn’t completely true.  But Michelle, little will change in our friendship with me being 3 hours away).  Picking up and moving away is hard when you have to give things up like friends.  Moving away from Milwaukee was incredibly difficult because I had a feeling that by moving, I would no longer see friendship in many of the people I left behind.  I was right.  Now, when I go back, I’ve got about 4-5 friends who I try to see, compared to the at least 20 I frequently saw while I lived there.  A small minded people they can be; no one can understand why someone would move away.  It’s not the way it works in Milwaukee.  Generations of families are there, no one leaves.

Danny and I are still friends of course, but after 23 years, is anyone surprised?  I think he tires of me talking to Catalina, but hopefully he’ll stick it out just another few weeks until I finally have the strength AND distance to let that drug go.

Dylan is enjoying college.  Busy guy he has become.  I hardly even get texts from him anymore.  But, it was expected.  I’m not mad at him.  I’m glad he’s found his way and is enjoying the college experience.  It’s something I never really got to have and I sometimes envy him for the life he was allowed to live, but we’ll be ok in the end.  As long as he doesn’t become an elitist prick that is. 🙂

*side note: They just gave a tornado watch over the radio! Sweeeet*

4. Entertainment:  I’m a bit bummed.  I finally watched a couple movies this weekend that I’d been waiting to see (Robin Hood [2010] and The Expendables [2010]) but I feel I’ve been slacking in the entertainment area.  I’ve bought several games for my Xbox 360 that haven’t even been opened, I haven’t started watching any of the new Fall season of tv shows and I’m WAY behind on watching movies.  I never thought I’d become too busy to do these simple things.  Of course, once I move, I’ll have more than enough time to do these things, but for the last 3 months, I’ve really fallen behind.  I also have something like 7 or 8 books I’ve purchased recently that I’ve yet to crack open either.  I can’t believe my life is so consumed.  Oh and if you haven’t seen Robin Hood [2010], you should watch it.  It’s much different than the nineties version, but I thought it was pretty good.  If you’re a fan of movies like Gladiator or 300, then give it a shot. 

5. Closing: Well, I think that’s all I need to talk about for now.  A lot has been bouncing around in my head as of late, but nothing that need be shared with the world, yet, at least.  I’m feeling a lot better, emotionally, physically and mentally, than I was not too long ago.  I hope that this trend keeps going.  I might get back to being a normal person.  I’m starting to be able to handle the fact that though I have some control over where my life goes, I don’t have control of the outcomes or the timelines.  I’m going to try my best to learn how to roll with the punches and enjoy the things that come to me and try to worry less about the things that don’t.  I guess for now, a family isn’t in my near future, which is probably best if I’m ever to finish college.  I can’t promise to give up on wanting to find love, but I have given up looking for it, for now.  If it finds me, hopefully I can pull my nose away from the ground long enough to see what’s right in front of me and if not, it wasn’t meant to be.  To my friends who read my blog, thanks for sticking with me and to those I may not know, thanks for taking a gander.  Take care all!

–Donny

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…nothing better to do. Who are you?!

Well, it’s nearing 2am Sunday night and since I don’t have to go to sleep for another 6-8 hours, I guess I will do homework.  “Oh, you must be behind.”  Nope, actually I’m ahead.  But, I have nothing better to do, so why not keep moving ahead?  Of course, I will start that as soon as I finish blogging.

So, what’s new?

I can’t say.  This weekend has been a failure for me.  As with every time I’ve attempted this in the past, I see myself quitting.  I’ve gotten into relatively good shape.  But now I realize it’s done me little good and so all weekend I gorged.  I ate too much, ate the wrong stuff and had entirely too much soda.  Every time I become happy with what shape I’m in, the fact that I still can’t get a girlfriend (because yes, I live in an incredibly shallow bubble) strips away ALL of my motivation and I go into depressed fat kid mode.  Of course, I will try hard tomorrow to get back into my routine (not tonight because too much soda and grease has left me feeling like shit) but who knows if I’ll be able to get back into the rhythm.  One weekend is enough to screw up months of work.  It’s terrible.

Also, of terrible thought, fantasy football.  My opponent obliterated me!  Of course, he would have beat the other 14 teams in the league as well, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Why won’t anyone listen to me about my weight problems???  “You aren’t working hard enough. You aren’t eating right. Etc, etc.”  I’ve done it all.  Strict healthy diets, lots of exercise and I always hit the same plateau, no matter how many different things I try.  I’m pre-destined to be husky, by genetics.  No one wants to listen to this of course.  I’m not making excuses, but it frustrates me.  Just because some people are getting skinny in their adulthood, doesn’t mean we all can.  Most of them were skinny all along and then got heavy.  I’ve always been heavier.  I was 135lbs in the 5th grade!  I have friends who are adults, at my current height, who weigh that much.

Well, I didn’t mean to rant, but damn.

Alright.  Well.  That ruined my almost good mood, so I’ll end it here.  Time to get to some homework!

Which is it?

Sometimes I swear I have A.D.D., other times I think I’m a bit OCD.

Anywho.

I’ve been racking my brain ALL night.   Can I keep my blog in disarray and just put up posts about ANYTHING whenever I want, or do I need to create seperate blogs for seperate topics?  Like, a friend of mine has a blog where she types and then an awesome blog where she only uploads pictures of cars, of a specific type.  Do I need two places to do this?  Or can I just keep going on the same place?  I sometimes think I should seperate them because I know my depressing posts have scared many of my friends away from following, but the added upkeep of yet ANOTHER thing (other than facebook, twitter, tumblr, wordpress, etc) is just unbareable.  Any suggestions for me?

Maybe I could make a promise to not do anymore depressing stuff on THIS blog and put the depressing stuff somewhere else where no one has to read it.

Now that I got that off my mind.  Here’s the current scoop.  The last 36 hours have been, ok.  Cat finally responded to my most recent e-mails and at least told me she didn’t hate me.  Then she went back to not responding to me.  I always seem to do about 1,000x better when I know she isn’t actively hating me.  I need to just put her out of my mind completely, but I can’t, yet.  I’m working on it though.  But, since then I’ve been doing alright.  I’ve got a message from her in my facebook inbox so whenever I stumble upon her picture, it stabs deep and depresses me a little, but then I keep on chugging.
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I took the night off from homework to finish some other stuff.  Watch movies, update my movie list, the usual.  I’ve done about 20 hours of accounting homework in the last week so I thought I deserved a night off.  Tomorrow and Saturday will be full of more accounting.  It’s so awesome to be spending this much time on a major I don’t care about.
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I’m going to try to keep looking forward and up from here.  I know I’ve said it before, but the depression is wearing on me and my friends now.  And I’m tired of bringing other people down.  School is going alright, money is a little tight but it’s manageable, I’m relatively healthy, I’m moving to a new area, so I think I’ve got enough to be happy about right now.

I’d like to keep typing, but I have to eat my Ramen, unlock some buildings and then get ready to leave work.

Until next time.  Stay tuned.  The new Donny is soon to be found.

Rock slide…

I feel like the ground is crumbling from beneath me.  Life is ok, yet I feel every day like I’m losing more and more of myself.  I’m not sure if I’m a shadow of my former self looking up at myself, or if I’m me looking back at my shadow.  All I do know is that I feel so incomplete and unhappy.

On September 12th, I became an uncle again.  And I should be ecstatic, but instead I find it hard to feel anything.  School is going alright, even though I’ve already put in 18 hours on homework this week.  Money is looking promising enough to allow me to take a year off from working to focus on school.  The move, though going VERY slowly, is nearing an end.  I finally have access to a pool again after 4 years.  The things in life that should leave me content are all over shadowed by one demon clawing away inside of me; Catalina.

How can someone who was once so cared for, be the tormentor and destroyer of your life?  I don’t know why I cannot let go of her, or more importantly, get her to let go of the reigns to my life.  The worst part now is that she has little to do with this.  We’ve recently talked, argued and I got her to hate me again and so she won’t even respond to my messages.  I should be done with this chapter, yet I hold on to her and her anger towards me makes me feel worst and more empty, every day that passes.

Today was probably one of the worst days I’ve had in a while now.  I actively wanted to be dead.  I didn’t want to kill myself, but I pretty much would have signed up for anything that would have gotten the job done.  She gets to go on in life, living it up with whomever, doing whatever she wants and I sit around in agony, day after day.  I am the truly pathetic one, but why do I carry the burden of this alone?  Having a vagina must be nice.  Both her and Kim got to just move on when they chose to.  Me, I had to wait 3 years, almost to the day, for Catalina to come around after Kim.  Kim was married and pregnant before I even got my first date after her!  Kim had her first date before I even realized we were done for good.  It’s not that I’m not ready to move on, but I’m deficient in social interaction.  I’ll be the first to admit that.  I’m great once you’ve met me and given me a chance to relax around you, but I’m not one to just “get out there.”  I never will be.  Plus, for a nearly 25 year old male who doesn’t drink and wants someone who doesn’t drink either, where the hell do I meet someone?  Online dating has not worked in 4 years, so I doubt it’s going to miraculously start working now.  I’m about to spend a year without a job which eliminates a place to meet someone (though dating in the workplace is probably a last resort after Cat).  I won’t be taking physical classes until January, so that leaves months alone.  I just don’t know anymore.  My life feels so empty and worthless yet I’m in a better position than I’ve been in, probably ever.

It’s the same old story people.  I’m up, I’m down, I’m up, I’m down.  I don’t know how much longer I can handle the roller coaster.  I’ve never been one for rides.  I like flat, boring surfaces.  All I want is to either find a suitable wife, soon, or learn to be content with being alone, forever.  I can’t take this love crap anymore.  All I want is someone to make happy and be allowed to love unconditionally.  You would think that would be an easy thing to find, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve come by thus far.  Life = pain.  I’m running out of steam.

The unanswerable question…

How long can you ask for death before bringing it upon yourself??