Blackhole

Tonight I have nothing pleasant to report.  No good thoughts.  Another night of feeling like I’m being ripped in half from the inside.  So, instead I’ll show my little rant.  Facebook has had this “flag” circulating around and after seeing it one too many times, I felt I had to respond to it.  So here’s that:
Donny House: Oh, the open bigotry in our country. It’s truly laughable. If a Catholic church or a Jewish synagogue were being built in the same place, no one would bat an eye. Since moving to DC, I’ve been around the most diverse people I’ve ever know…n. I’ve actually had the opportunity to work along side and train many people of Muslim religion. And they were the nicest, most respectful people I’ve ever known. One group of idiots should not be allowed to define a culture. It honestly makes me sick to see how “OK” this is in the eyes of so many Americans. This country was built on the backs of different cultures and religions. But because the majority of those people were caucasion, we forget the differences that existed. The Irish were ostracized by many Protestant Americans when they came to America for being Catholic. Yet now, everyone wants to be Irish, at least some days. It’s a ridiculous cycle that will continue for the rest of our lifetimes because people will continue to single others out for their beliefs. There will never be peace because we make it so acceptable. Furthermore, the general disregard for the Muslim people in our country only further proves that the terrorist group that attacked us 9 years ago was right. I am in no way condoning their tactics, or what they did to us, I am a patriot and I believe in the men and women who protect our country, but sometimes I think our values have fallen too far.

“It is for us, the living, rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they have, thus far, so nobly carried on. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion – that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom; and that this government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” — Abraham Lincoln

Now that I got that out of the way.

It’s easy to forget how quickly a weekend is over when you don’t work full time.  Now that I’m back to full time after 9 months without it, my first weekend off flew by me.  Already back to work and I am definitely not recharged.  It doesn’t help that my insomnia chose to return last week, but man.  I think a large part of it has to do with the 3rd shift schedule.  I work Monday-Friday, but I don’t actually get off until 7am Saturday morning.  So, that pretty much leaves me with Saturday night and Sunday for “the weekend”.

Psh.  Ranting tonight doesn’t seem to be relieving the pressure in my chest so I’m just gonna kill it here.  I’ll go make other attempts at calming myself.  I miss having friends who stay up all night!  My phone has been silent for over an hour now!

Bye, bye birdy…

Like a freight train smashing through a measly little car, I came to a revelation today.  Life is good.

Sure, no one’s life is ever perfect.  There are things that I’d like to change, improve, etc.  But, come on, Donny.  I’ve got a car, that I successfully financed on my own, a motorcycle to which I can say the same, my bills get paid on time every month.  What’s the problem?  Yeah, it’d be nice to have a girl to share my life with, but it’ll happen or it won’t.  I can’t force that.  And I know this.  I’ve come to that revelation before.  I guess I just need to slow way the eff down and smell the roses sometimes.  For someone born without a sense of smell, that’s sorta hard, but I’ll figure out an adequate alternative.  My life has been much harder than it is right now.  I strived on my whole life because of the hardships I had to overcome.  I guess that I’m looking to make problems that don’t exist because I never knew life to be uncomplicated.  Analyzing one’s self can be tough, but I’ll continue to try.  I’ll continue to write, and read what I’ve thought in passed days to keep on an upward path.  It’s easy to forget what matters in life.  But, I’m starting to remember.  I need to be the person I once was.  The guy who wasn’t effected by the crap thrown his way.  I need to not internalize and crack like I did last time, but find an outlet.  Whether that is having fun with good people or just typing how I feel on a regular basis.  I haven’t figured that much out yet, but I will.  I promise that to my loyal readers.

I’ve also realized that some of my friends are in much need of a more positive person in their life.  A lot of people are going through hard times and cracking from external pressures.  I’d like to be able to help them and not just compare who’s life sucks more.  No one needs that negativity.  So, I can’t promise that I won’t be negative, because let’s face it: I’m Donny, and I can be quite emo at times.  But, I will make a conscious effort at being more upbeat.

Kayleigh’s positivity of the day:
I was accepted into the fantasy football league that my uncle plays in.  These are the big leagues.  Paid fantasy league!  I’ve done at least a dozen free leagues in passed years, but now I will pay.  Which means, I’ll be more competitive, but hey, maybe I’ll win some money?  And maybe I’ll kick my uncle’s butt?  Haha.  Or maybe I’ll tank, and he’ll give me endless crap all season long.  Any way you cut it, I’m excited that a spot opened up for me to get into.

I know I said I was only going to do that once a week, but since the week is almost over, I figure that I’ll just add that to the end of the next couple blogs. Next week I will start dedicating one blog per week to the days prior.

Michelle’s positivity of the day:
For the record, you owe me some positivity if I’m to keep up a second positive mention for every day.  For today, it is simple.  It’s 2am, and I feel like I just got to work!  A fast night is rare, but appreciated.  And to add on to that, tonight marks the end of my first week back on full time.  I haven’t worked 5 days in a row since December and I thought it would kill me, but it didn’t.  The other night was a bit rocky, but overall, I have this covered for now.  So, here’s to making extra money.  To add even further to this, my boss informed me a couple nights ago that after 3 years of loyal service, I am FINALLY, FINALLY getting a raise.  It’s only $0.50, but it’ll pay for the gas I use to get here, so I will take it.  Better late than never, hey?

Well.  With all of that said. I think I’m going to go take a walk around campus and enjoy the fresh air.  Then, maybe a movie.  We’ll see.  Until next time…

Hole in my head/heart…

So, it’s been over a month since I’ve used this outlet to vent.  I honestly don’t even know what to write anymore.  So, I sit here with my head bowed and my eyes closed and just let the words find the screen.

For some time, I was doing remarkably.  Then I made the not so wise decision to stop taking the St. Johns Wort.  Since then, it has all been down hill.  I don’t know if I’m necessarily depressed at this point, but something is certainly on my back.  I find myself sleeping 10+ hours a day, which is about 3x the normal amount of sleep I require.  I find it hard to do anything but go to work, and even that is torture (but for other reasons).  I can’t seem to clear my head of thoughts I thought I’d gotten rid of.  Maybe I’d only hidden them from myself to find later.  In any case, I wish they would stop.  What is worst of all is I actually feel pathetic.  I’m tired of telling the few people I talk to about how shitty I feel.  I will continue to blame this job.  Working with Catalina, having to hear her voice, see her, feel her watching me when I walk passed her, it’s all too much.  I don’t know how she got such power over me.  I should definitely be over this by now.  I mean, we’ve spent more time apart now than we spent talking, and much more time apart than we spent dating.  I knew working full time was going to take it’s toll.  I didn’t think it’d create the mindfuck it did last night.  But, what can I do?  Nothing.  I’ll just continue with all the other aspects of my life.  Hopefully, within the next couple months I will have quit this place and put her in my past for good.

I think I’ve stopped blogging because it’s become to repetitive.  “Work sucks. I’m sad. I’m upset because I’m so weak. My pride is thrashed.  Catalina needs to disappear.  I’m sad.” No one wants to read that, hell, I barely even want to type it.  But, it gets my mind free, sorta, for a few minutes.

As for any other updates, not much to say.  I’m signed up for some online classes for the fall.  I’m super irritated because I have to take my exams on campus at the testing center.  Once I’ve finished these 2 classes, I will have taken more exams on campus for online classes than 2 years of on campus classes.  I suppose they need to verify that the person getting credit is the person taking the class, but fuck!  If I’m living down in York County by next month, I don’t want to drive 6 hours round trip for each of my 4 exams.  That’s just ridiculous.  But, I need to stay enrolled in school so that I don’t have to deal with paying back my student loans while not in school.  Especially if at the time, I’m not working.  There still is not a clear plan on that.  Jeff is going to go down to check out houses to rent this weekend.  The plan now is for him and Rachel to go down there ASAP so that Rachel can get enrolled in school.  Then, I might follow behind in about 6 weeks and watch Rachel while Jeff is at work, saving him the cost of childcare.  That is if Beth can’t figure stuff out with her job first.  At this point, I’m up for it because I need to get out of here.  And that will give me some time to find a job down there since Jeff will basically be paying me for childcare if I run out of money to sustain my bills.  Nothing has been set in stone, and “the plan” has changed a dozen times already.  But, that is the current direction it is going.

That’s about all that is going on in life.  I have been pretty disconnected from my family back in Wisconsin.  Becky called me tonight to tell me that our mother was drinking too much and tried beating her up.  No surprise at all.  But, I told my mother I wouldn’t be talking to her as long as she continued to kill herself with alcohol, so apparently, she’s ok with that.  I’m getting pretty good at cutting people out of my life.  If only I could do it to the ones I needed to be out of my life for my own sanity.  I guess it’s just a matter of how long they’ve caused me harm.  My niece seems to be healthy though.  She tried talking to me tonight (as much as a pre-two year old can).  Danny has surgery in the morning, I hope it fixes his wrist since I know how long that has troubled him.  Connor ate his first lasagna tonight, and looked happy about it.  I’ll have some with him, as long as it’s Chef Boyardee’s.  And I still am unable to locate my father.  Time is running out.  By the time I find him, he’ll probably be dead.

Well, that’s my life as it stands right now.  I have a migraine now, and so I’m going to try to take it easy and not focus so much on the things that anger me.  I haven’t heard her voice yet tonight, so that’s a plus.  Maybe I’ll get through the night without hearing it at all.  Here’s hoping!