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Is this thing on?

Been a long time since I came to the comforts of the keyboard to get things off my chest. The start of video blogging pretty much destroyed the life of a blog blogger. But now that it’s been nearly a year since posting a video on my YouTube channel (more than a year since one I would be proud to call mine) I feel it’s time to come back to one of the mediums, and unfortunately, I just don’t feel that video is the one for me anymore, or at least not right now. But I digress.

SOOOO much has happened in the last year. I don’t even know where to begin.

Well, I know where to begin, but I don’t know where to go after that. So I’ll try…

Last I wrote, I was a local resident of Virginia, working on my associates degree, living above my uncle’s garage. NOW, I’m a local resident of Wisconsin for 13 months, graduated college with my A.S. in Business Administration, am delivering pizzas full time as I cannot find any other work and I am now living on my own.

I hate to sum everything up so quickly, but I’m working 6 days a week, and I’m coming to an end of my only day off, and still have a lot of things to do, so I think I’ll do my best to wrap it up.

Quick version goes, everything fell apart a few months ago, I’m months behind on all my bills/rent, a couple of my friendships are showing strain, my best friend is about to have a kid and I think that about to affect both of our lives more than he realizes.

Otherwise, everything is perfect.

I guess that’s it. I’m going to play some PS3.

~500 Words to end the silence.


Losing it…

On the cusp of a mental breakdown, I turn to blogging.  After all, it is why I created this space in the first place.

So, where to start.  That’s hard.  To organize all the things that torment me.  It’s been a long time coming.  I could feel it’s grasp around my throat no matter how long and how hard I ran from the invisible hands that are responsible.

I guess, I’ll start with the straw that broke the camels back, what piled on top of that, and then work backwards.

This morning, while trying to point out to a friend that the world is an evil place, and many people believe and live by the saying ‘All is fair in love and war’, I was misunderstood.  And my friend returned with “Please Donny. U have no kids”.  As a lot of people know, or have seen through the cracks, my “Ok without a family or children” attitude that I’ve adopted is just an artificial shell I wear to try to hide the pain inside.  The pain caused by knowing that I have no kids, and if the history of my life has taught me anything, it’s that I probably won’t be afforded the opportunity to have them either.  Not in the way I want, and they deserve.  So, that broke my back,  and the flood of depression I had dammed off came bursting through with a violent wave.  I tried to move on with my day, to ignore it, but thing after thing just continued to go wrong.  Then, when I thought the day was over and nothing else could possibly make things worst, my brother announces that he’s going to get a few tattoos in a couple of weeks.  I know this statement in itself is perplexing, as to why it would upset me, but we had a pact.  A couple of years ago, we both got tattoos for his son.  Since then, we have gotten 3 more done together.  A pact to wait until we were both in the same location at the same time, to get tattooed together.  Now, I made an exception when his daughter was born, because I didn’t think it was fair to make him wait nearly a year, but apparently he took that as a voiding of our deal.  The worst part is that he’s been joking around about it like it’s no big deal and like it’s my fault I won’t be there when he gets his next in a couple of weeks.  Which, I’ll get to why that’s impossible soon.

Maybe no big deal to most, but it is a big deal to me.

The diabetes makes sure that I can’t turn to a bottle, to dull the depression.  This in itself makes me sick.  I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I want to turn to the bottle, or the fact that I ever let that become an option to begin with.  Either way, it is no longer an option with my health.  On top of that, I haven’t been to the gym in 11 days, I don’t even know how that much time flew by already.

Underneath all of this, are other issues.  Like, I’m failing my math class.  Which means, if I do fail, that I cannot get my degree.  You are only allowed this class twice, and this is my 2nd try.  This means, with my pending move to Milwaukee in August, that I’ll be returning WITHOUT my degree, which means, basically, I’m fucked.  I don’t know one single person surviving on their own without some sort of assistance, whether it be a roommate, their parents, child support or some other government program I’m not eligible for.  I’m sure they exist, but no one I personally know is doing it.  Not with a H.S. degree only.  Especially since I will already be traveling there with hefty debt.  I’ve been stuck in Virginia because of the debt.  Despite my brother’s wild ideas, I cannot see it fathomable to live a non-stressed out life for anything below $13/hr @ 40 hours a week.  And those jobs are few and far between there.

I guess, it all comes down to being my own fault.  For ever thinking life could be enjoyed.  I should have accepted defeat 5 years ago and just stayed in Milwaukee.  Living a shitty existence at a shitty job.  I’d probably have 6 years in there by now.  And I would have never known a better life could exist.  “Think positive” a friend told me.  But, I can’t.  Thinking positive is what got me to where I am.  I survived a hard, shitty, fucked up life until I moved here by being realistic, and maybe a little pessimistic at times.  But I wasn’t down on life, because I just thought that’s how life went.   Moving here, my uncle showed me what was on the other side of the fence.  The place that I was never allowed to play.  And because he showed it to me, and let me live that life, I’ve gotten soft and I can no longer accept the reality of the sins of the father that I have to pay.

Which brings my next stress.  My parents.  Well, my mother.  My father, I owe nothing to in my opinion, besides my voice.  I’ll talk, I’ll be his friend, but financially, he’s a huge part of the reason I live the life I do.  But my mother.  She went above and beyond everyone’s expectations when both my father, and the father of my two younger sisters bailed.  She stepped up and filled a roll she never wanted to.  She became the mom and dad.  She both worked full-time, and made sure there was a warm, home cooked meal on our dinner table every night.  And never did she complain to us as kids.  It wasn’t until I was nearly an adult that I realized the toll it had taken.  The sacrifices she made for us.  But her earlier life with my father, and my sisters father, coupled with the bottle she turned to when life became too much for her, has taken a horrible toll on her body.  At 45 years old, she can barely walk because of degenerative hip and leg problems, her blood pressure is through the roof, and I suspect she’s hiding a couple more ailments from me.  She’s got a foot in the grave and not a dime in savings.  If she doesn’t find some way of fixing her health now, I’ll be taking care of her within the next few years, if even.  It’s getting so hard for her to work as it is.  She won’t be able to stay at the grocery store forever.  And my sister has been supported by her for years, along with my two nieces.  Which means, if my mom fails to be able to help them, as the eldest child, and brother and uncle, that too is on me.

And I haven’t even gotten to what may be the worst stresser of them all.  Finding a job in that barred wasteland.  I, am not a desirable employee.  I mean, ask any of my former managers, and they’d likely tell you, with the exception of Robert, that you’d be lucky to have me working for you.  I work as hard as I can at whatever the task is.  I grew up with the old school thought that your name means everything, and so I want my work to reflect well upon my name.  But, things like pre-screening questionnaires hurt me.  My last job, in Wisconsin, was at Blockbuster.  A job my brother, who worked there, got me.  Well, he got me the interview.  After I was hired, I found out that I was in 2! piles of rejected applicants who failed that thing.  Which would explain the year I spent looking for a job before that, and the 18 months I’ve spent looking for a job now.  I suspect my unwavering honesty actually hurts me on those things.  But, I don’t know the specifics as to why I failed.  So, I’m faced with moving back, with no money, no job and the unlikelihood of finding a job in a timely manner.  Oh.  And I forgot.  I suffer from Paruresis. This cost me a $20/hr job at a machine shop when I was 19.  That, would have changed my life.  But it didn’t.  And it showed me that I would never be able to get a job that required a urine test.  I begged and pleaded for them to let me pay for a blood test, to replace it, but they wouldn’t.  Sears did the same thing to me a short time later.  So, with all of these restrictions and everything stacked against me, my blood has been boiling.  I feel like I’m getting new grey hair each day.

I just don’t know what to do anymore…

So much to do!

I have 7 days until I’ll be going to sleep to awake and hit the road to Milwaukee.  I have SO much homework to catch up on before I leave for 10 days.  I have to do laundry.  Clean my room.  Make space on my laptop which is currently sitting at 8 of 300GB free!  And that’s where I have to dump all my photos and video while I’m on vacation for my birthday.  I have to finish trying to plan this party.  39 of 57 people still have not RSVPed on Facebook.  EVERYTHING IS MADNESS!

With that said.  I made a very calming video last night which I really enjoy.  So, I’m going to post it here.  If you have a few minutes, you should give it a watch. 🙂 Talk to you all soon!

Holy Withering Blog, Batman!

SO, it’s been over a month since my last blog post. Give me a second while I go read the last entry to figure out what I have to update everyone on ….

Eh. That’s too much reading. But the gist of it shows that it’s been a while!

The move happened! I love my new room. It’s ginormous. Of course, I only got to spend about 2 weeks in it, before I came to Milwaukee, but it is nice. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m in Milwaukee, guys! I’ve been here for like 3 weeks. I leave in another week, or so. But back to the move. Surprisingly, though, some days were lazier than others, we got the house moved in about a week. Everyone, ESPECIALLY Dylan, stepped up their game and pitched in to make sure that this move happened. I think everyone was excited to get out of the old house and into the new one. The only downfall I’ve seen so far with the new house is the BUGS. They’re EVERYWHERE! But this house is even more in the woods than the last place, so it’s understandable. We will get regular exterminator service and then hopefully, it won’t be much of a problem.

I’m excited about this room. As I mentioned, it’s huge! I have my own little living room set up and then my bedroom, all in one room! It’s sweet. Oh, have I been using too many exclamation points? I don’t care. And now I have enough open space that I can do my vlogging without being cramped into a corner! I might even be able to finally get a green screen! I don’t know if I’ll go that far, but the prospect is fun to think about.

Well, we completed the move around July 11th. On July 12th, I went up to DC for TheConTour, a gathering of a few YouTube musicians that I follow and other YouTubers who also follow them. I got to meet these guys and talk to them and it turned out to be awesome! They were just as chill as they appear in their videos. You can check out the pictures and vlog I made about it at my photo blog. Link here –> TheConTour DC 2011

On July 14th, I headed to Milwaukee. In record time (15 hours), I made it. Amazingly enough, I only stopped 2 times on the way here. Each time for gas and bathroom and then back on the road. I wish all of my Milwaukee trips had been as smooth as that one. But, to be honest, my broken car should not have come this far. It’s got some alignment issues.

Days later, Dylan made the trip from Virginia to Kentucky to drop off my cousin Rachel at her grandparent’s house and then met me in Milwaukee. I was worried about having him here and though I did get frustrated with him a few times, I’m glad he came. We had a really good time and he got to see life lived a way he was not used to seeing. He was also able to form his own opinion of Milwaukee instead of listening to his father’s biased view. While he was here, we partied, we chilled, we got tattoos together, we ate unhealthily together and just had a good vacation. I needed a rest when he left 2 weeks later, but it was totally worth it.

Since Dylan left, I haven’t been doing a whole lot. I got to hang out with my friend Doug, play pool, have a few drinks, a bunch of laughs and remember why I miss hanging out with that dude. I also went by my friend Shawn’s house, and he made his famous burritos for Danny and I. I really wish Dylan could have experienced those, but time flies when you come here. Nearly 4 weeks has passed and I feel as though I haven’t done anything I need to do. There are a lot of people I haven’t seen and a good amount of people I won’t get to see before I leave. I haven’t even seen my nephew since I got here. But, I’m on vacation, no one else here is.

I’ve had a good time though. Danny works third shift now, so I haven’t gotten as much time hanging out with him as I would have liked, but that’s life. Everyone is getting older, getting more responsibility and it’s just going to continue to get more hectic. Connor was a trip to hang out with until about 4 days ago. It appears that he’s gotten sick and so he’s been a bit crabby. I don’t hold it against him, but it’s slowed down my ability to play with him. That too, is life.

I suppose I should touch on the school situation since that’s always a big topic with people. I don’t really know what to say about it though. The people at my school have not been very helpful. I sent out a mass e-mail complaining about the help I have received and I was passed on to a supervisor, but I have yet to hear back from them. I also have been trying to get my financial aid situation fixed, because as of right now, I’m only receiving grants and not loans and this won’t cut it. Right now, I depend on those loans to survive! I sent in paperwork yesterday and was told I was too late. I believe I turned this paperwork in months ago, but they have yet to confirm or deny this. As I have said in the past, complete incompetence.

So, with just a few days left in Milwaukee, I both dread and look forward to going back home. It’s going to be hectic when I get there. I still have to deal with all of the electronics that got fried by the lightning, especially my PC. I’d rather not start the semester without a desktop. My laptop, since the lightning strike, has been going downhill. The ethernet port is fried for sure and I’m pretty sure, other things got buzzed. Even after a format, it is lagging, freezing and crashing. (Side note: Jessica just brought Connor home, and he was screaming and crying, per usual since he’s gotten sick. So I put on Toy Story 2 and he got glued to the screen. He loves these movies. Picture to the right.) School starts August 22nd, and so, hopefully, since someone finally came out to the house to check out the fried electronics, I’ll get back next week and be able to find out how much money I’ll be getting for my things so I can plan buying or building a new PC.

Speaking of buying things, I’m completely broke! I’m seriously worried right now. If I don’t get my loans fixed, come September, I will not have enough money to pay my car payment. I haven’t been this low in funds for about 3 years. It really is an uncomfortable place to be. On the agenda when I get back is JOB SEARCHING. Sometimes over this past several months, I’ve been happy to be without a job, but mostly, I have been miserable and broke. I need to find something that will fit school well and pay decently. Sometimes I consider moving back to Milwaukee, but unfortunately, with the bills that would move with me, I can’t afford to do so. I’d have to work 2 or 3 jobs in Milwaukee, which would stop me from going to school AND just make me miserable, like I was when I left this place. Sometimes you just can’t win. I’m sure it’ll all work out, but until it does, I will stress out. It really does suck, but what can you do but keep moving forward?

Lastly, I’m getting back into “The YouTube”. This month is August, and so, VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August) is active. Many YouTubers, burnt out by Vlog Every Day in April, are doing VALA (Vlog A Lotta August), so they don’t have to worry about every day vlogs, but I kind of like the challenge and the experience filming and editing. So, I’m going to try to do it every day. I’ve been later like 2 times, of 3, already, but that’s mostly due to my computer being a butthole. No one has scolded me yet. Once I get home from vacation, it should be a lot easier to deal with, especially if I can get a desktop PC soon after arriving back in Virginia.

So, in case you haven’t been to my YouTube channel in a while, I’m going to link all the videos I’ve made since my last blog post. This might get ridiculous, I’m sorry, but I like to document them here because they are easy to follow chronologically then. And it’s easier for people to catch up because they can just go down the line and watch them on the same page.

So, until next time, don’t forget to be awesome and thanks for reading my blog! I’ll try to write more frequently once life has calmed down a bit. I can’t believe how fast this summer has flown by. Reading my last post feels like forever ago! Take care, everyone.

Here are the vids (In order of their release):