Ok. As the photo says, this is about to get deep and real. This should not be read by those faint of heart, or unable to read something potentially emotional while using only your brain. What I am about to talk about should not have anyone worried about me, it should not have anyone wanting to have me committed. Read my words. Listen to what they say, don’t read into them, because I speak the blunt truth and have no reason to hide anything from myself, my blog or those who read my words.
So, now that you’re worried.
The topic of conversation tonight is suicide. I’ve talked to a few people already, but all of them, reacted the same, the expected way of most people. My suicide to be precise. No, I’m not especially depressed. No, there is no root cause of this conversation (i.e. woes of the heart). This is a thought that became predominant in my thoughts in the passed several weeks. As everyone is aware, I have been unemployed since October and surviving off of my savings. Unfortunately, those savings have disappeared. I currently am setup to miss my car payment at the end of September as my money will only stretch until the middle of the month. As we have already passed the half way mark for August, this means, I have about a month left with money. After that, I’m screwed. Sure, people say “well, consolidate your bills.” I don’t know why anyone thinks that I wouldn’t have done this already. I’m paying about as little per month as I could. Sure, I could get rid of my cell phone, but right now, saving that money wouldn’t get me anywhere. The car is my major drain. But, as I owe twice what the car is worth, I have no way of unloading that payment. “Well, get a job.” Also, something I’ve been trying to do for months. Everyone thinks that I waste all my time on the internet, making videos, blogs, tweeting, etc and I haven’t been looking. But, I have been. And I’ve been extremely unsuccessful.
So, why did suicide get brought up? Surely, I can’t be thinking about death over some silly bills. Well, I am. I’m 25 and I just don’t feel any more fight left in me and I haven’t for some time. I don’t aspire to finish college. I don’t aspire to have a fancy job. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. And sure, I’m likely semi-depressed if I feel that way, but then when did it start? Because, I’ve never done well at looking forward to adult life and being able to say I saw myself with anything beyond a family, which, if you’re keeping track, I haven’t come close to doing either. I’ve actually given up on wanting a family. So, where does that leave me? Sure, I like being around for some people, but if half of my life, I’m depressed and complaining to these people, aren’t they better off without me??
I guess the main thing is that I am about to fall into a hole. I climbed out of a whole I created when I was 18, and it took me about 6 years to do. I don’t want to dig myself out of another hole. I’ve always prided myself on paying my bills on time and never missing payments. If I miss a payment next month, that pride will be shattered. That’s about one of the only things I have to be “proud” about. I just see myself as wasting space, more and more, as time passes. Everyone is getting on with their lives and I just kind of sit, treading water, in the same place. I’ve made no serious progress in about 6 years. Nothing to show for 6 years of adulthood. I think that speaks to what I’m trying to say here.
So, beyond the bible supposedly banning suicide, what in society, stops those from wanting to check out, from checking out? If a person is only going to be a drain on themselves and those around them, why not offer a way out? I just only seeing things getting worst. My health has felt in decline for a while. New glasses or even contacts would be nice. I think I’ve got a slew of cavities but haven’t been to a dentist in 15 years. By the time I’m set up with a job that pays the bills and gets me insurance, I’m going to be struggling to keep my body together. It’s not very encouraging to look forward to.
Anyways, my position is that at this point, suicide is a logical option, but definitely at the bottom of the list. I just don’t see why people should be shocked, or react poorly to that news. People fall out of contact all the time. And sure, people rationalize the difference between the two by saying, “But, I could track that person down later in life if I wanted to talk to them again”, but we all know that people rarely do that. So, out of site, out of mind. Sure, I miss the people in my life who have passed on sometimes, but no more than I miss people who are alive that I haven’t seen in just as long.
Alright, well, if you’ve made it this far, take a deep breath and read this:
I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW. If it becomes a top of the list option, I’ll definitely consult with people. There’s obviously mess, physically, financially, emotionally, etc so I would want to prepare for as little spill over as possible. I also realize this may make you uncomfortable and now you can’t talk to me. I’m sorry if it does. And I’m sorry if this has invoked serious emotions for you. Remember, I said use your brain, not your heart, if you were going to read this. I’m still alive. I’m still trying to go forward each day. I still hope for a long life. We’ll see what the future holds. Maybe I’ll have a job by September and this was a wasted thought and blog.
Eh. That’s too much reading. But the gist of it shows that it’s been a while!
The move happened! I love my new room. It’s ginormous. Of course, I only got to spend about 2 weeks in it, before I came to Milwaukee, but it is nice. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m in Milwaukee, guys! I’ve been here for like 3 weeks. I leave in another week, or so. But back to the move. Surprisingly, though, some days were lazier than others, we got the house moved in about a week. Everyone, ESPECIALLY Dylan, stepped up their game and pitched in to make sure that this move happened. I think everyone was excited to get out of the old house and into the new one. The only downfall I’ve seen so far with the new house is the BUGS. They’re EVERYWHERE! But this house is even more in the woods than the last place, so it’s understandable. We will get regular exterminator service and then hopefully, it won’t be much of a problem.
I’m excited about this room. As I mentioned, it’s huge! I have my own little living room set up and then my bedroom, all in one room! It’s sweet. Oh, have I been using too many exclamation points? I don’t care. And now I have enough open space that I can do my vlogging without being cramped into a corner! I might even be able to finally get a green screen! I don’t know if I’ll go that far, but the prospect is fun to think about.
Well, we completed the move around July 11th. On July 12th, I went up to DC for TheConTour, a gathering of a few YouTube musicians that I follow and other YouTubers who also follow them. I got to meet these guys and talk to them and it turned out to be awesome! They were just as chill as they appear in their videos. You can check out the pictures and vlog I made about it at my photo blog. Link here –> TheConTour DC 2011
On July 14th, I headed to Milwaukee. In record time (15 hours), I made it. Amazingly enough, I only stopped 2 times on the way here. Each time for gas and bathroom and then back on the road. I wish all of my Milwaukee trips had been as smooth as that one. But, to be honest, my broken car should not have come this far. It’s got some alignment issues.
Days later, Dylan made the trip from Virginia to Kentucky to drop off my cousin Rachel at her grandparent’s house and then met me in Milwaukee. I was worried about having him here and though I did get frustrated with him a few times, I’m glad he came. We had a really good time and he got to see life lived a way he was not used to seeing. He was also able to form his own opinion of Milwaukee instead of listening to his father’s biased view. While he was here, we partied, we chilled, we got tattoos together, we ate unhealthily together and just had a good vacation. I needed a rest when he left 2 weeks later, but it was totally worth it.
Since Dylan left, I haven’t been doing a whole lot. I got to hang out with my friend Doug, play pool, have a few drinks, a bunch of laughs and remember why I miss hanging out with that dude. I also went by my friend Shawn’s house, and he made his famous burritos for Danny and I. I really wish Dylan could have experienced those, but time flies when you come here. Nearly 4 weeks has passed and I feel as though I haven’t done anything I need to do. There are a lot of people I haven’t seen and a good amount of people I won’t get to see before I leave. I haven’t even seen my nephew since I got here. But, I’m on vacation, no one else here is.
I’ve had a good time though. Danny works third shift now, so I haven’t gotten as much time hanging out with him as I would have liked, but that’s life. Everyone is getting older, getting more responsibility and it’s just going to continue to get more hectic. Connor was a trip to hang out with until about 4 days ago. It appears that he’s gotten sick and so he’s been a bit crabby. I don’t hold it against him, but it’s slowed down my ability to play with him. That too, is life.
I suppose I should touch on the school situation since that’s always a big topic with people. I don’t really know what to say about it though. The people at my school have not been very helpful. I sent out a mass e-mail complaining about the help I have received and I was passed on to a supervisor, but I have yet to hear back from them. I also have been trying to get my financial aid situation fixed, because as of right now, I’m only receiving grants and not loans and this won’t cut it. Right now, I depend on those loans to survive! I sent in paperwork yesterday and was told I was too late. I believe I turned this paperwork in months ago, but they have yet to confirm or deny this. As I have said in the past, complete incompetence.
So, with just a few days left in Milwaukee, I both dread and look forward to going back home. It’s going to be hectic when I get there. I still have to deal with all of the electronics that got fried by the lightning, especially my PC. I’d rather not start the semester without a desktop. My laptop, since the lightning strike, has been going downhill. The ethernet port is fried for sure and I’m pretty sure, other things got buzzed. Even after a format, it is lagging, freezing and crashing. (Side note: Jessica just brought Connor home, and he was screaming and crying, per usual since he’s gotten sick. So I put on Toy Story 2 and he got glued to the screen. He loves these movies. Picture to the right.) School starts August 22nd, and so, hopefully, since someone finally came out to the house to check out the fried electronics, I’ll get back next week and be able to find out how much money I’ll be getting for my things so I can plan buying or building a new PC.
Speaking of buying things, I’m completely broke! I’m seriously worried right now. If I don’t get my loans fixed, come September, I will not have enough money to pay my car payment. I haven’t been this low in funds for about 3 years. It really is an uncomfortable place to be. On the agenda when I get back is JOB SEARCHING. Sometimes over this past several months, I’ve been happy to be without a job, but mostly, I have been miserable and broke. I need to find something that will fit school well and pay decently. Sometimes I consider moving back to Milwaukee, but unfortunately, with the bills that would move with me, I can’t afford to do so. I’d have to work 2 or 3 jobs in Milwaukee, which would stop me from going to school AND just make me miserable, like I was when I left this place. Sometimes you just can’t win. I’m sure it’ll all work out, but until it does, I will stress out. It really does suck, but what can you do but keep moving forward?
Lastly, I’m getting back into “The YouTube”. This month is August, and so, VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August) is active. Many YouTubers, burnt out by Vlog Every Day in April, are doing VALA (Vlog A Lotta August), so they don’t have to worry about every day vlogs, but I kind of like the challenge and the experience filming and editing. So, I’m going to try to do it every day. I’ve been later like 2 times, of 3, already, but that’s mostly due to my computer being a butthole. No one has scolded me yet. Once I get home from vacation, it should be a lot easier to deal with, especially if I can get a desktop PC soon after arriving back in Virginia.
So, in case you haven’t been to my YouTube channel in a while, I’m going to link all the videos I’ve made since my last blog post. This might get ridiculous, I’m sorry, but I like to document them here because they are easy to follow chronologically then. And it’s easier for people to catch up because they can just go down the line and watch them on the same page.
So, until next time, don’t forget to be awesome and thanks for reading my blog! I’ll try to write more frequently once life has calmed down a bit. I can’t believe how fast this summer has flown by. Reading my last post feels like forever ago! Take care, everyone.
Here are the vids (In order of their release):