Is this 1997? It feels like it, every time I manage to log into AIM (AOL Instant Messenger). Tonight, while trying to locate a friend, I signed on. She wasn’t on, but I stayed on, in case she logged in, because she knew I was looking for her to help her with some graphic design criticism. And, it never fails. One of the main reasons I stopped using AIM … Effing porn bots. They never quit. No matter what you say. Proof to follow.
So, last night, in the midst of United States History, possibly the most positive thing that will go down in the history books in the lifetime I’ve lived thus far, I was met with hate. A simple status that I posted on my Facebook account read as such:
I voted for him, I stand by him. “bin Laden was not a Muslim leader. He was a mass murderer of Muslims.” –President Barack Obama
This turned into an Obama flame fest, with attacks on our nation’s leader. With the success of an incredible feat, something our nation begged for nearly 10 years ago, this news and triumph was overshadowed by the hatred for the leader of our free country. It truly sickened me. Have we become so broken that we cannot enjoy a victory when it comes our way? Must we immediately go to a dark place, forgetting what good has been done to express our anger for things we disagree with? I disliked President Bush, I even voted against him, voting for a man unfit for presidency, Kerry, just to say I didn’t vote for Bush. But after his re-election, he was MY President. The constitution I believe in, which governs our nation, gives fair chance. The people chose a man I didn’t like, but I was not going to try to burn down the man in charge of my country, a man with more responsibility than anyone who hasn’t been president can imagine. And yet, these people do it for my chosen president. And they speak about it like he should be in-human. Like he should be working every hour, of every day. Like he should be personally fixing things he has little control over. “End the war!” Well, it’s never that simple. You can’t just pull out. Does pulling out work as an effect means of birth control? NO! Why would it be an effective means of wartime strategy?! “Fix the economy!” Haha, yeah, you’re kidding right? What aspect of the economy? It’s so effed, we’re lucky to still be afloat as is. I could go on and on about the complaints. Some of the people’s hate had NO argument behind it at all. Just, “You’re wrong because you’re a liberal.” Well, my response is “You’re wrong for condemning human beings to liberal or conservative standards.” I am a person, with free will, with choices from both sides. A large part of the problem in our country is that we have defined two sides, with two points of view, without being able to compromise. Life is not as simple as black and white, but politicians want to make it that way. Enough of that topic. Last night, was a great moment in history. No, it didn’t end the war. NO, it won’t end terrorism. But as a symbol of what we stand for as Americans, JUSTICE, it is an incredible moral boost. Unfortunately, too many people are too small minded to see what matters.
I’m done with my rant. I ranted a little in my YouTube video for today, but not too much. I was going to put certain people on blast, but I decided that was petty plus I was a little too excited about my new camera to actively be angry towards anyone. To those who disagree with me, that’s fine, and there is a time and place to debate that if you can back up your side with more than “You’re wrong, because, uh, I’m right.” We are human, we all approach everything differently, and a difference of opinion DOES NOT mean we need to be enemies. I am understanding, as much as I can be, of everyone’s view points. If I can rationalize what lunatics like Adolf Hitler did, I can accept my friends being a republican. Also, for the record, sure, I voted Obama, but many of my stances are said to be republican views. I am neither republican, nor democrat. I am Donny House.
Here’s today’s Vlog:
Unfortunately, some things just shouldn’t be “vlogged”. Very few people want to read about your depression, let alone watch you sit in front of a camera and talk about it. Plus, typing is a way of getting it out, even if no one will watch it. I feel if I filmed and edited myself talking about sadness and no one watched it, it wouldn’t be as much of an outlet.
A few hours ago, after roughly 3 weeks of feeling … content … I was slammed with a feeling of depression. “What set that off?” The answer:
Failing a class. Not being good enough to succeed in a mediocre setting. Not caring enough to force myself to succeed, but watch myself sit back and accept failure.
As I type this, I should be driving to my last meeting of my Geology class. However, it’s failed. We were supposed to do an assignment, like a mini-paper, and discuss it in class today. I couldn’t motivate myself to get that done and I refuse to go to class and be the
asshole who didn’t complete the assignment. Knowing this class, I know I’d be the only one to not do it. So, I’m not going. Which, effectively means I will fail that class. I needed to put as much effort as humanly possible in the last week of school to pass and I failed to do so. I couldn’t motivate myself to. I don’t like to force myself against what feels right. Unfortunately, for me, that makes school difficult as I’m mostly against the idea of me being in school. School and I have never melded well. It’s not rebellion, it’s just not something that feels natural. I know lots of people feel that way, and say “just do it, no one likes school.” But, I think it’s even deeper than that for me. But, I can’t compare my feelings about it to anyone else.
Failing that class may have serious repercussions. I found out a few weeks ago that my GPA is not being transferred into my new school, despite being in the same school system. Which means, only this semester will be used to calculate my current GPA. This means, with my F, a B, a C and a D (possibly C if I can get some work done) I will have a horrendous GPA. I may be put on Academic suspension… I may have my financial aid suspended. This is a problem as that’s how I pay for a good portion of my bills right now and as I won’t be paying for school out of pocket with no job or enough money in reserve to do so. But, the window for me to pack up and go back to Milwaukee has just closed with paying the bills for May. I no longer have enough money to pay for the move back there and to float my bills for a couple months until I can find employment.
I’m in a state of flux. I have no idea what is going to happen in the upcoming weeks. I haven’t even mentioned the fact that Jeff is looking to buy a house and some of the houses he is looking at are outside of a reasonable commuting range for any school that would accept me, which, would mean that I should go back to Milwaukee anyways. But, again, I’m stuck with that monetary problem. I’m tired of being envious of 17 year old Donny. He had a car, a gf who loved him, friends to hangout with whenever he wanted, a job, enough money to have fun. 25 year old Donny still has a car, but no gf, no friends to hang out with, no job, and essentially no money. I have effectively become one of those people they make fun of in the movies and TV who remember high school as their glory days. I have become Al Bundy…
I’m lost. I don’t know if I can be found. I don’t know what I want out of life anymore besides an end to it. I know life is meant to be hard, but I’m out of answers. I’m out of ideas. I’m almost out of fight…
Well, I’m done ranting. If you haven’t seen today’s vlog, here it is:
And here’s a video to a song that I’ve listened to 100x in the last 2 days. Enjoy.
Where to start? These days are getting harder and harder. I feel as though I’m losing grasp of who I am. Who I want to be. My words are no longer mine. My actions are those of someone else. I can’t run away. Too much responsibility. I can’t run home, not enough monetary ability there. I can’t go to the Army because I wouldn’t know what to do with all my stuff while I trained, and right now I couldn’t pass all the tests required to get in. I can’t quite school because I can’t afford repayment of loans. I can’t stand going to school any longer because I’ve fallen behind and lost all passion to continue with work. I just don’t know what to do. Too many “I can’t” I can tell you that much. I want change. I just don’t know what needs changing yet, or how to accomplish it. Daily, I yearn for death. Death helps no one but myself, maybe, and that’s not good enough. I have no job, no money, no friends, no love, no life, no fun. I’ve tried getting out of the box I’ve built myself into, but it just hasn’t worked. Apparently, I’ve lost the ability to be sociable in a positive way. I’ve become the guy people avoid. The guy that people say “why is he talking to ME?”.
I’m losing my mind. I can’t make up of down, or down of up. I can’t make sense of anything. I’m in a constant state of flux where something as small as a fly flapping it’s wings can knock me off my chair. I’ve lost myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t know who I’m looking at anymore. I’m looking at some version of myself that existed before I knew myself. A primitive Donny, full of nothingness. He can’t speak, he can’t see, he can’t experience the wonders of life. He just exists to exist. I don’t know how to add color to his life so that he will in turn, bring color back to my own life. I miss the vibrancy of it all. I miss being happy to wake up a new day. I miss wanting to go out and enjoy the sun. I miss the hope of what’s to come next. Now, my every move is thinking about how it could kill me. I nearly was in an accident on my motorcycle the other day and my initial reaction after recovery was “Why the fuck do I have to have such good reflexes?! That was my out!”. These thoughts should disturb anyone reading, as they do disturb me. I know I need help, but I can’t afford help. I’m barreling through life on my own. I’ve lost those I used to talk to by either pushing them away or them getting away on their own. I’m not going to pull them back in to tell them that life is shit when it really isn’t. I’m not going to pull them back in telling them that life is bad but then not be able to explain why. I feel like I’m wearing a new mask for every person I interact with. I can’t let anyone know the exact turmoil going on in my body, my mind, my soul. I just put on a mask and a smile and pretend like I’m only as broken as I’ve been my whole life, but in reality, I’m shattered to the core. My thoughts only torment me when I’m sober. And even when intoxicated, the bad thoughts are learning to pick the lock and creep in. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can go on acting like everything is ok. I don’t know how much longer I can be me. I don’t know where to go from here!
For the record, I had an amazing time in Jamaica. I wish that week never would have ended. But, it reminded me so much more of how miserable I am with my life in every aspect. But mainly, socially. I was never meant to be a loner, but that is what I have turned into. Not completely by choice, partially by nature. I’m shy, I have tried to break through that barrier, but it’s a long hard road and so far, it isn’t paying off. I still have a few of my old friends, but I fear that they will leave me as we get older and they find more socially competent people. But perhaps that is for the best. If everyone leaves me, if all ties to Donny are broken, then maybe I will be free. Free to go wherever and do whatever without repercussion. Maybe, then, I can disappear, never to be heard from again and no one will be effected. Then it won’t be a selfish act. Then it will just be what it is. Who knows when that will happen. But I see it happening. Danny has become too busy to talk to me lately. And when he gets into school, I foresee him being permanently busy. Then there’s Dylan, who has joined a frat, and if Tom didn’t prove this, he will leave me for them in time. The few others I’ve spent my time talking to over the last couple years have seemed to be disappearing in recent months. My phone is getting little to no use. It’s almost a waste to be paying the bill anymore. This has been incoherent rambling for the last several sentences so I think I’ve accomplished the decompression I needed. Too bad that it’s too late to do anything productive at this point. I need to try to get some sleep as I’m forcefully in charge of Rachel in the morning, which I attribute as the number 1 downfall of my life lately. Getting up at 730am every morning NEVER has been and NEVER will be me. It fucks my entire day up. It makes me either a zombie for the rest of the day, unable to concentrate on homework, or it makes me take a nap, wasting the time I need to complete homework. It’s a lose-lose. But, in my current situation, I can’t exactly tell that to Jeff. He’ll tell me to quit whining, then he’ll try to prove that humans naturally thrive by sleeping nights and getting up early. I’ll continue to tell him I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE AND NEVER HAVE BEEN. And we’ll just go in a circle. It’s all fucked. And don’t get me on that fucking dog that IS NOT MINE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE or FORM but I have to walk him the most. It’s bullshit. And it too fucks with my sleep. I’m expected to give him a midnight walk and be up at 730, already making sure I can’t have 8 hours of sleep. It’s fucked. I think I need a hobby, too bad I have no time while playing partial parent, dog caretaker, full-time student and bitch for anything else anyone in this family needs me to do.