I’ve been in constant struggle with myself for over 10 months now. It’s not news to anyone, and it’s probably a nagging annoyance to others. I just feel as though the world is crumbling around me and I’m being buried in the rubble. The rubble hasn’t killed me, but surviving the escape is destroying me to my core. I don’t know who I am, where I’m going, what I want out of life, who my loyalties lay with, if I can withstand a daily yearn for death, if my friends will stick around through my dark days, if I will stick around through my dark days, or how this will all effect me in future endeavors. I feel trapped in Virginia; wanting to move back to Milwaukee where life made sense, but not being able to because of fiscal responsibilities and the inability to find a job there to support those responsibilities. I feel as though my life here has puttered out. I’m spinning my tires and getting no where. It’s a joke that I have yet to get an associates degree. How can I hold up another 2,3,4 years to get a bachelors. Is it worth it? The stress I’ve been putting myself through is certainly shaving years off the end of my life. If it takes me to 30 to get a degree, will I even have 25 years in me to work long enough to retire? I wish someone could answer these questions for me. But no one can. My friends are doing their best to answer these questions, to give me guidance, and like the hard headed ass I am, I’ve done nothing but argue, push away, offer alternative answers to their answers. For once in my life, I see myself as a pessimist instead of a realist, and it makes me sick. Everyone has always thought I was a negative person, even though I wasn’t. But these days, I can only see the worst possible outcomes. I can’t see anything positive in my future. I’m finding the bad in everything I do. I’m two and a half weeks from going to Jamaica and witnessing an extremely important moment in Danny and Jessica’s life and all I can do it think of how miserable this trip will make me between being the only single person there, being there alone, being in a foreign country, having no money, blah blah blah. School too is going to crap. I dropped a math class I’ve already taken and passed because I couldn’t handle the stress of not remembering the material. I’ve got a normal 13 credit load now and I’m still stressing myself to the max. This should be easy, but it’s becoming one of my hardest semesters yet. I can’t imagine how I’ll make it once I go to a University and am taking more advanced classes. I just want to give up on this part of my life because I feel I have no fight left. I’m ready to surrender. I’d rather be a slave of a shitty job for the rest of my life than fight for excellence. People like Manda waltz through an associates and don’t even consider it an achievement and me, I feel like it’s been the biggest battle of my life and I can’t find the end. I keep getting bombarded, I keep getting flanked, I keep getting pushed back, I keep getting attacked from behind … I keep making excuses for why I’m failing.
My days start out fine, typically. But by night time I’ve fallen back into a deep depression. This happens 4-5 nights a week. Then, I stupidly text people saying stupid things and then we get into debates that shouldn’t be had. I show a side of me that isn’t me at all, and I don’t know why. Maybe I crave attention and my lack of imagination doesn’t let me just carry on a normal conversation with someone?? I don’t know. I wish I did. I’m thinking of cutting my phone off just to avoid any further damage between me and some of these people. I’m especially sorry to Kayleigh. Last night I was an ass. Period.
This blog has been poorly written. It’s a cluster-fuck of ideas but I just felt I needed to dump. I don’t know if anyone will even read this, but it helps to unload. There is so much more I could say, but I think this is good for now. I’ve made a bunch of changes in recent months, but I promise I’m still the same dude I always was underneath. Just call me out on my bullshit and tell me to stop being a dick.