Hole in my head/heart…
So, it’s been over a month since I’ve used this outlet to vent. I honestly don’t even know what to write anymore. So, I sit here with my head bowed and my eyes closed and just let the words find the screen.
For some time, I was doing remarkably. Then I made the not so wise decision to stop taking the St. Johns Wort. Since then, it has all been down hill. I don’t know if I’m necessarily depressed at this point, but something is certainly on my back. I find myself sleeping 10+ hours a day, which is about 3x the normal amount of sleep I require. I find it hard to do anything but go to work, and even that is torture (but for other reasons). I can’t seem to clear my head of thoughts I thought I’d gotten rid of. Maybe I’d only hidden them from myself to find later. In any case, I wish they would stop. What is worst of all is I actually feel pathetic. I’m tired of telling the few people I talk to about how shitty I feel. I will continue to blame this job. Working with Catalina, having to hear her voice, see her, feel her watching me when I walk passed her, it’s all too much. I don’t know how she got such power over me. I should definitely be over this by now. I mean, we’ve spent more time apart now than we spent talking, and much more time apart than we spent dating. I knew working full time was going to take it’s toll. I didn’t think it’d create the mindfuck it did last night. But, what can I do? Nothing. I’ll just continue with all the other aspects of my life. Hopefully, within the next couple months I will have quit this place and put her in my past for good.
I think I’ve stopped blogging because it’s become to repetitive. “Work sucks. I’m sad. I’m upset because I’m so weak. My pride is thrashed. Catalina needs to disappear. I’m sad.” No one wants to read that, hell, I barely even want to type it. But, it gets my mind free, sorta, for a few minutes.
As for any other updates, not much to say. I’m signed up for some online classes for the fall. I’m super irritated because I have to take my exams on campus at the testing center. Once I’ve finished these 2 classes, I will have taken more exams on campus for online classes than 2 years of on campus classes. I suppose they need to verify that the person getting credit is the person taking the class, but fuck! If I’m living down in York County by next month, I don’t want to drive 6 hours round trip for each of my 4 exams. That’s just ridiculous. But, I need to stay enrolled in school so that I don’t have to deal with paying back my student loans while not in school. Especially if at the time, I’m not working. There still is not a clear plan on that. Jeff is going to go down to check out houses to rent this weekend. The plan now is for him and Rachel to go down there ASAP so that Rachel can get enrolled in school. Then, I might follow behind in about 6 weeks and watch Rachel while Jeff is at work, saving him the cost of childcare. That is if Beth can’t figure stuff out with her job first. At this point, I’m up for it because I need to get out of here. And that will give me some time to find a job down there since Jeff will basically be paying me for childcare if I run out of money to sustain my bills. Nothing has been set in stone, and “the plan” has changed a dozen times already. But, that is the current direction it is going.
That’s about all that is going on in life. I have been pretty disconnected from my family back in Wisconsin. Becky called me tonight to tell me that our mother was drinking too much and tried beating her up. No surprise at all. But, I told my mother I wouldn’t be talking to her as long as she continued to kill herself with alcohol, so apparently, she’s ok with that. I’m getting pretty good at cutting people out of my life. If only I could do it to the ones I needed to be out of my life for my own sanity. I guess it’s just a matter of how long they’ve caused me harm. My niece seems to be healthy though. She tried talking to me tonight (as much as a pre-two year old can). Danny has surgery in the morning, I hope it fixes his wrist since I know how long that has troubled him. Connor ate his first lasagna tonight, and looked happy about it. I’ll have some with him, as long as it’s Chef Boyardee’s. And I still am unable to locate my father. Time is running out. By the time I find him, he’ll probably be dead.
Well, that’s my life as it stands right now. I have a migraine now, and so I’m going to try to take it easy and not focus so much on the things that anger me. I haven’t heard her voice yet tonight, so that’s a plus. Maybe I’ll get through the night without hearing it at all. Here’s hoping!