It sure is a dreary, rainy day. This picture sums the day up perfectly. I know I’m blogging about 12 hours off schedule, but I thought an update would be good since I’m sitting in the library and I’m too tired to actually concentrate on the homework, or studying that I should be doing. So here goes.
I guess the depression is getting better. My days are almost always fine. It’s the nights, post midnight, when I have little to keep me distracted, that I get messed up. Maybe my depression isn’t going away and it’s just that I’m able to keep myself distracted. Maybe everyone is depressed, but because some are so good at keeping busy, they never notice it? It’s probably not the latter, but it’s nice to make myself sound normal from time to time. I think I’ve finally come to terms with being single, only 1 short year after complete mayhem in the form of a woman ripped through my life. My biggest regret in that whole thing is that I let her steal from me who I was. It’s not to say that I didn’t need some change, but I feel as though I was stripped bare of most of the defenses I’d built up over my rough life. *world’s smallest violin* I find myself experiencing emotions I had never felt, or at least, forgot feeling. The biggest of these is rage. It doesn’t take much to get me to fly off the handle these days. Just last night, in Geology class, while not understanding what was being asked for in an assignment, and with poor guidance from the teacher, I nearly lost it. I had to walk out of class, and follow that by driving my car like an ass. My poor car has taken so much abuse lately, just so that I could vent some frustration. Hard, fast driving = peace for me. So, this lead to me venting to Jeff when I got home, which lead to the most important part of the evening, this blog and my near future.
Give up on my associates degree?!
Indeed. No. I’m not giving up on school. But, Thomas Nelson Community College is SOOOO assed up, I couldn’t finish the blog in a week if I were to talk about the flaws, faults and non-sensory going on here. But, basically, it appears, if I were to stay on for my associates, I could get it at the end of the Fall 2011 semester, which is awesome, but then, I’d have to wait until Fall 2012 to go to Old Dominion University (my school of choice). IF I act fast, it appears (I need to make some confirmations before anything happens) that I can get enrolled at ODU for Fall 2011 and they will accept all 62 credits I currently posses and I would just work towards a bachelors. Since the overall goal is to get that bachelors, an associates doesn’t really matter. The problem is ME. I’m flaky. And with every day pulling me down, or towards Milwaukee, I’m afraid that I’ll get 85% towards that degree and then I’ll move back to Milwaukee, leaving me with a lot of debt, a lot of credits and nothing in writing to make me more valuable in the job market. If I finish the associates degree, at least I have that if I flake. But, maybe that’s my problem. I always hedge as to how I’m going to fail and never as to how I’m going to succeed. If I make the jump to ODU, I’m telling myself that I will, under whatever it takes, finish my bachelors. I’m heavily leaning towards that right now, though, it does kind of terrify me. Sure I’ve been going to “college” for the last 6 years, but I haven’t been to a university. Supposedly, everything changes when you get to that level. My lack of social skills developed by 4 years of non-communication with the outside world worries me, though, people continue to tell me I’m awesome, and request my presence both on this Earth and in their exact proximity. So, maybe, again, I’m just being too hard on myself. I’m learning that I can be quite self-defeating and I need to learn to stop that. Overall, I don’t think there’s a whole lot wrong with me. I don’t know why I wish myself to live up to unrealistic, unhuman expectations. A therapist would have a field day with me, I’m sure. I think someday, I’ll just write a book about all my psychosis, paranoia, insane constructs, and call it a fiction work so that it sells. 😀 After all, I can be a nut. But, I’m way off topic now. I’m able to laugh and joke, so I’m making, progress. I feel overall better most days, as I stated before and just restated. Errr. Did I mention I’m tired? Probably not. I’m tired. Slept from 6am to 730am today.
Anyways. That’s my update. I need to have serious thought on the ODU situation in the next few days and find out the best course of action. I guess giving up on an associates as long as I’m still bettering myself is wise and not exactly giving up. I just don’t want to waste any more time or money that doesn’t need to be wasted. I’m 25 going on 40 and I want to get on with my life. Being a poor college student was fun for a while, but I’m over it. When I need a new hard drive for my computer, I don’t want to have to siphon off $10 per month of the allowance I give myself for 6 months in advance. It’s ridiculous!
Oh, lastly, the title of this blog is totally about the System of a Down song, not actually feeling alone. As I said, I think I’ve come to terms with being single. I’m actually back to the point of thinking that a girl would just be a disruption to my life. Which, was the same revelation I came to about 15 months ago, and then SHE came along. A crazy test WILL be administered if any women decide to just drop out of the sky, appearing to be a perfect match for me again.
Time for psychology. Oh how I loathe this class. I feel like I’m the exception to the rule in most cases we’ve talked about this semester. Is logical thinking REALLY that powerful? Maybe…
Where to start? These days are getting harder and harder. I feel as though I’m losing grasp of who I am. Who I want to be. My words are no longer mine. My actions are those of someone else. I can’t run away. Too much responsibility. I can’t run home, not enough monetary ability there. I can’t go to the Army because I wouldn’t know what to do with all my stuff while I trained, and right now I couldn’t pass all the tests required to get in. I can’t quite school because I can’t afford repayment of loans. I can’t stand going to school any longer because I’ve fallen behind and lost all passion to continue with work. I just don’t know what to do. Too many “I can’t” I can tell you that much. I want change. I just don’t know what needs changing yet, or how to accomplish it. Daily, I yearn for death. Death helps no one but myself, maybe, and that’s not good enough. I have no job, no money, no friends, no love, no life, no fun. I’ve tried getting out of the box I’ve built myself into, but it just hasn’t worked. Apparently, I’ve lost the ability to be sociable in a positive way. I’ve become the guy people avoid. The guy that people say “why is he talking to ME?”.
I’m losing my mind. I can’t make up of down, or down of up. I can’t make sense of anything. I’m in a constant state of flux where something as small as a fly flapping it’s wings can knock me off my chair. I’ve lost myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t know who I’m looking at anymore. I’m looking at some version of myself that existed before I knew myself. A primitive Donny, full of nothingness. He can’t speak, he can’t see, he can’t experience the wonders of life. He just exists to exist. I don’t know how to add color to his life so that he will in turn, bring color back to my own life. I miss the vibrancy of it all. I miss being happy to wake up a new day. I miss wanting to go out and enjoy the sun. I miss the hope of what’s to come next. Now, my every move is thinking about how it could kill me. I nearly was in an accident on my motorcycle the other day and my initial reaction after recovery was “Why the fuck do I have to have such good reflexes?! That was my out!”. These thoughts should disturb anyone reading, as they do disturb me. I know I need help, but I can’t afford help. I’m barreling through life on my own. I’ve lost those I used to talk to by either pushing them away or them getting away on their own. I’m not going to pull them back in to tell them that life is shit when it really isn’t. I’m not going to pull them back in telling them that life is bad but then not be able to explain why. I feel like I’m wearing a new mask for every person I interact with. I can’t let anyone know the exact turmoil going on in my body, my mind, my soul. I just put on a mask and a smile and pretend like I’m only as broken as I’ve been my whole life, but in reality, I’m shattered to the core. My thoughts only torment me when I’m sober. And even when intoxicated, the bad thoughts are learning to pick the lock and creep in. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can go on acting like everything is ok. I don’t know how much longer I can be me. I don’t know where to go from here!
For the record, I had an amazing time in Jamaica. I wish that week never would have ended. But, it reminded me so much more of how miserable I am with my life in every aspect. But mainly, socially. I was never meant to be a loner, but that is what I have turned into. Not completely by choice, partially by nature. I’m shy, I have tried to break through that barrier, but it’s a long hard road and so far, it isn’t paying off. I still have a few of my old friends, but I fear that they will leave me as we get older and they find more socially competent people. But perhaps that is for the best. If everyone leaves me, if all ties to Donny are broken, then maybe I will be free. Free to go wherever and do whatever without repercussion. Maybe, then, I can disappear, never to be heard from again and no one will be effected. Then it won’t be a selfish act. Then it will just be what it is. Who knows when that will happen. But I see it happening. Danny has become too busy to talk to me lately. And when he gets into school, I foresee him being permanently busy. Then there’s Dylan, who has joined a frat, and if Tom didn’t prove this, he will leave me for them in time. The few others I’ve spent my time talking to over the last couple years have seemed to be disappearing in recent months. My phone is getting little to no use. It’s almost a waste to be paying the bill anymore. This has been incoherent rambling for the last several sentences so I think I’ve accomplished the decompression I needed. Too bad that it’s too late to do anything productive at this point. I need to try to get some sleep as I’m forcefully in charge of Rachel in the morning, which I attribute as the number 1 downfall of my life lately. Getting up at 730am every morning NEVER has been and NEVER will be me. It fucks my entire day up. It makes me either a zombie for the rest of the day, unable to concentrate on homework, or it makes me take a nap, wasting the time I need to complete homework. It’s a lose-lose. But, in my current situation, I can’t exactly tell that to Jeff. He’ll tell me to quit whining, then he’ll try to prove that humans naturally thrive by sleeping nights and getting up early. I’ll continue to tell him I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE AND NEVER HAVE BEEN. And we’ll just go in a circle. It’s all fucked. And don’t get me on that fucking dog that IS NOT MINE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE or FORM but I have to walk him the most. It’s bullshit. And it too fucks with my sleep. I’m expected to give him a midnight walk and be up at 730, already making sure I can’t have 8 hours of sleep. It’s fucked. I think I need a hobby, too bad I have no time while playing partial parent, dog caretaker, full-time student and bitch for anything else anyone in this family needs me to do.