I feel like the ground is crumbling from beneath me. Life is ok, yet I feel every day like I’m losing more and more of myself. I’m not sure if I’m a shadow of my former self looking up at myself, or if I’m me looking back at my shadow. All I do know is that I feel so incomplete and unhappy.
On September 12th, I became an uncle again. And I should be ecstatic, but instead I find it hard to feel anything. School is going alright, even though I’ve already put in 18 hours on homework this week. Money is looking promising enough to allow me to take a year off from working to focus on school. The move, though going VERY slowly, is nearing an end. I finally have access to a pool again after 4 years. The things in life that should leave me content are all over shadowed by one demon clawing away inside of me; Catalina.
How can someone who was once so cared for, be the tormentor and destroyer of your life? I don’t know why I cannot let go of her, or more importantly, get her to let go of the reigns to my life. The worst part now is that she has little to do with this. We’ve recently talked, argued and I got her to hate me again and so she won’t even respond to my messages. I should be done with this chapter, yet I hold on to her and her anger towards me makes me feel worst and more empty, every day that passes.
Today was probably one of the worst days I’ve had in a while now. I actively wanted to be dead. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I pretty much would have signed up for anything that would have gotten the job done. She gets to go on in life, living it up with whomever, doing whatever she wants and I sit around in agony, day after day. I am the truly pathetic one, but why do I carry the burden of this alone? Having a vagina must be nice. Both her and Kim got to just move on when they chose to. Me, I had to wait 3 years, almost to the day, for Catalina to come around after Kim. Kim was married and pregnant before I even got my first date after her! Kim had her first date before I even realized we were done for good. It’s not that I’m not ready to move on, but I’m deficient in social interaction. I’ll be the first to admit that. I’m great once you’ve met me and given me a chance to relax around you, but I’m not one to just “get out there.” I never will be. Plus, for a nearly 25 year old male who doesn’t drink and wants someone who doesn’t drink either, where the hell do I meet someone? Online dating has not worked in 4 years, so I doubt it’s going to miraculously start working now. I’m about to spend a year without a job which eliminates a place to meet someone (though dating in the workplace is probably a last resort after Cat). I won’t be taking physical classes until January, so that leaves months alone. I just don’t know anymore. My life feels so empty and worthless yet I’m in a better position than I’ve been in, probably ever.
It’s the same old story people. I’m up, I’m down, I’m up, I’m down. I don’t know how much longer I can handle the roller coaster. I’ve never been one for rides. I like flat, boring surfaces. All I want is to either find a suitable wife, soon, or learn to be content with being alone, forever. I can’t take this love crap anymore. All I want is someone to make happy and be allowed to love unconditionally. You would think that would be an easy thing to find, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve come by thus far. Life = pain. I’m running out of steam.