Impossible conversation…


Ok.  As the photo says, this is about to get deep and real.  This should not be read by those faint of heart, or unable to read something potentially emotional while using only your brain.  What I am about to talk about should not have anyone worried about me, it should not have anyone wanting to have me committed.  Read my words.  Listen to what they say, don’t read into them, because I speak the blunt truth and have no reason to hide anything from myself, my blog or those who read my words.

So, now that you’re worried.

The topic of conversation tonight is suicide.  I’ve talked to a few people already, but all of them, reacted the same, the expected way of most people.  My suicide to be precise.  No, I’m not especially depressed.  No, there is no root cause of this conversation (i.e. woes of the heart).  This is a thought that became predominant in my thoughts in the passed several weeks.  As everyone is aware, I have been unemployed since October and surviving off of my savings.  Unfortunately, those savings have disappeared.  I currently am setup to miss my car payment at the end of September as my money will only stretch until the middle of the month.  As we have already passed the half way mark for August, this means, I have about a month left with money.  After that, I’m screwed.  Sure, people say “well, consolidate your bills.”  I don’t know why anyone thinks that I wouldn’t have done this already.  I’m paying about as little per month as I could.  Sure, I could get rid of my cell phone, but right now, saving that money wouldn’t get me anywhere.  The car is my major drain.  But, as I owe twice what the car is worth, I have no way of unloading that payment.  “Well, get a job.”  Also, something I’ve been trying to do for months.  Everyone thinks that I waste all my time on the internet, making videos, blogs, tweeting, etc and I haven’t been looking.  But, I have been.  And I’ve been extremely unsuccessful.

So, why did suicide get brought up?  Surely, I can’t be thinking about death over some silly bills.  Well, I am.  I’m 25 and I just don’t feel any more fight left in me and I haven’t for some time.  I don’t aspire to finish college.  I don’t aspire to have a fancy job.  I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.  And sure, I’m likely semi-depressed if I feel that way, but then when did it start?  Because, I’ve never done well at looking forward to adult life and being able to say I saw myself with anything beyond a family, which, if you’re keeping track, I haven’t come close to doing either.  I’ve actually given up on wanting a family.  So, where does that leave me?  Sure, I like being around for some people, but if half of my life, I’m depressed and complaining to these people, aren’t they better off without me??

I guess the main thing is that I am about to fall into a hole.  I climbed out of a whole I created when I was 18, and it took me about 6 years to do.  I don’t want to dig myself out of another hole.  I’ve always prided myself on paying my bills on time and never missing payments.  If I miss a payment next month, that pride will be shattered.  That’s about one of the only things I have to be “proud” about.  I just see myself as wasting space, more and more, as time passes.  Everyone is getting on with their lives and I just kind of sit, treading water, in the same place.  I’ve made no serious progress in about 6 years.  Nothing to show for 6 years of adulthood.  I think that speaks to what I’m trying to say here.

So, beyond the bible supposedly banning suicide, what in society, stops those from wanting to check out, from checking out?  If a person is only going to be a drain on themselves and those around them, why not offer a way out?  I just only seeing things getting worst.  My health has felt in decline for a while.  New glasses or even contacts would be nice.  I think I’ve got a slew of cavities but haven’t been to a dentist in 15 years.  By the time I’m set up with a job that pays the bills and gets me insurance, I’m going to be struggling to keep my body together.  It’s not very encouraging to look forward to.

Anyways, my position is that at this point, suicide is a logical option, but definitely at the bottom of the list.  I just don’t see why people should be shocked, or react poorly to that news.  People fall out of contact all the time.  And sure, people rationalize the difference between the two by saying, “But, I could track that person down later in life if I wanted to talk to them again”, but we all know that people rarely do that.  So, out of site, out of mind.  Sure, I miss the people in my life who have passed on sometimes, but no more than I miss people who are alive that I haven’t seen in just as long.

Alright, well, if you’ve made it this far, take a deep breath and read this:
I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW.  If it becomes a top of the list option, I’ll definitely consult with people.  There’s obviously mess, physically, financially, emotionally, etc so I would want to prepare for as little spill over as possible.  I also realize this may make you uncomfortable and now you can’t talk to me.  I’m sorry if it does.  And I’m sorry if this has invoked serious emotions for you.  Remember, I said use your brain, not your heart, if you were going to read this.  I’m still alive.  I’m still trying to go forward each day.  I still hope for a long life.  We’ll see what the future holds.  Maybe I’ll have a job by September and this was a wasted thought and blog.

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About houseofgeekdom

Nothing for now...

One response to “Impossible conversation…”

  1. Tell you later says :

    I’m glad to hear that you aren’t planning to kill yourself right now, but please just take it off your list entirely. Speaking as a person who has struggled with depression for about fourteen years, I feel pretty confident in my ability to say that if you work at getting past this point, then you will. Your life will seem worth it again.

    As for more practical advice, have you tried temping?

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