The act of retreating…
Like a turtle pulling his head back into his shell, I feel myself retreating from life again. I am ignoring phone calls, text messages, trying to figure out excuses to tell people in the future when I don’t answer their phone calls, or I don’t visit them, or whatever. I have all these ideas for YouTube videos but I can’t even motivate myself to come out of my shell to do those. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for the rest of my existence. The weird part is that I don’t even feel sad or depressed. I just don’t feel a purpose again. It’s a hard feeling to describe. Friedrich Nietzsche said:
“Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man”.
and I read that as having hope makes you miserable because you will never get what you hope for. Never getting what you hope for is something I recognized as a realistic property and therefore, it never bothered me. But lately, it’s bringing more pain. The older I get, and the longer I go without making anything of my life, the more miserable I become. I know I have timelines which don’t fit the life I was handed, but as this timeline gets pushed further and further back, I lose the strength to keep heading towards it. And this makes me want to retreat and become a recluse. I want to avoid any and all criticism (which is usually me projecting words into people’s mouths who never think or say the things I think they think of me).
I also have that nagging “unemployment issue” biting me in the neck. Today I am into the seventh month of being unemployed, and I have not been collecting unemployment this whole time because my jackass of an ex-boss screwed me. The money I’ve been paying my bills out of is rapidly disappearing and I am coming up on being completely screwed. Having applied for jobs, looked into nontraditional employment (internet ventures) and combing the internet for any way to pick up a few extra bucks, I am left with no answers. The pressure is on and I feel as though I don’t have what it takes to withhold the weight. Obviously, my problems are small compared to the majority of the world and I will live, no matter what happens, it doesn’t lessen the stress I feel.
I’m about 5 ½ weeks away from moving. And immediately after that I will be taking the sixteen hour drive to Milwaukee for my annual summer trip. I can hardly justify the cost of this as I don’t even see myself hanging out with many people this time around. I just feel as though everyone back home is going on with life and I’m only a disruption at this point. *how self centered are my thoughts?* I live in a bubble. Nothing has really changed in my life in the last 4 years that I’ve been gone from Wisconsin. Sure I have 60+ college credits, sure I have a new car, a motorcycle, fancy cameras, better computers, but these are all monetarily gained things that have little actual matter. I’ve forged no new relationships, done nothing substantial with my life. People back home have had children, gotten married, bought houses, made a gain towards what they want out of life. I just sit here in my bubble, telling others how important change is, how important it is to reach for your dreams and then I don’t take my own advice.
It’s hard to take that last bit as I don’t know what my dreams are anymore. 8 years ago, I would have told you that at 25, I would have been a college graduate, soon to finish my masters degree if I hadn’t already, I would have been married and working on my second child. The girl in that scenario, was my high school sweet heart, with whom I decided we weren’t right for each other exactly 4 years and 5 months ago, is married, with a 1+ year old daughter, a house, a dog and is living life exactly how we’d planned, except, without me of course. I’m happy for her. But as I’ve spent this entire time single and bailing on the idea that I’ll ever have THAT life and now I’m stuck wondering “What now?”. Those simple things were my goals from the time I was about ten years old and now, at 25, I don’t see that being my life. Where do I go from here?
School was only a precursor to being able to afford to have and provide for my family. If I’m going to run around for the rest of my life alone, I don’t need to make much money. I don’t need a house to call my own. I don’t need many things. I could live out of a backpack and the trunk of my car for the rest of my life and be content living on the road. But how do I make that happen? How do I tell people I’ve given up on people and I’m going to live for myself and say goodbye to the human interactions that I have felt have been fake for much too long already? I mean, I do have self-esteem problems, but I don’t think it’s low self-esteem when I question what I bring to the table in any of my relationships with people. I’m boring, I don’t do anything with my life or time besides watch movies, make YouTube clips and write these blogs that only bring people down. I’m a downer, to put it simply. No one WANTS the downer in their life, they just fear that if they kick him out of their life, he’ll do something drastic and they’ll be responsible. I can’t stand the sound of my own voice, the style of my own writing, the theme of just about anything I do or say. I only do it to prove to myself that I’m still alive and so that at later points in life, I can go back and say “Man, I was a whiny little bitch.” Or “Man, nothing has changed in two years. What the hell is my problem?”
I think I’ll end this rant as it’s lost all focus or direction and the dark little thoughts that hide in the recesses of my brain are just manifesting in the form of words on this blog. Thankfully, few people read this anymore. It’s mainly just for me these days. Which is good and bad. Takes the pressure off of trying to write for others and lets me get out of my head what needs to be gotten rid of.
Since I’m a few days behind, I’ll also attach my recent YouTube vid. Story: My friend Shawn posted on my Facebook wall saying:
I cry cuz I have not been mentioned yet in your vlogs.
So, in an effort to make him feel special, to get rid of his tears and to allow myself to be goofy, I made a video for him. That video is as follows: