Anxiety like depression…
Unfortunately, some things just shouldn’t be “vlogged”. Very few people want to read about your depression, let alone watch you sit in front of a camera and talk about it. Plus, typing is a way of getting it out, even if no one will watch it. I feel if I filmed and edited myself talking about sadness and no one watched it, it wouldn’t be as much of an outlet.
A few hours ago, after roughly 3 weeks of feeling … content … I was slammed with a feeling of depression. “What set that off?” The answer:
Failing a class. Not being good enough to succeed in a mediocre setting. Not caring enough to force myself to succeed, but watch myself sit back and accept failure.
As I type this, I should be driving to my last meeting of my Geology class. However, it’s failed. We were supposed to do an assignment, like a mini-paper, and discuss it in class today. I couldn’t motivate myself to get that done and I refuse to go to class and be the
asshole who didn’t complete the assignment. Knowing this class, I know I’d be the only one to not do it. So, I’m not going. Which, effectively means I will fail that class. I needed to put as much effort as humanly possible in the last week of school to pass and I failed to do so. I couldn’t motivate myself to. I don’t like to force myself against what feels right. Unfortunately, for me, that makes school difficult as I’m mostly against the idea of me being in school. School and I have never melded well. It’s not rebellion, it’s just not something that feels natural. I know lots of people feel that way, and say “just do it, no one likes school.” But, I think it’s even deeper than that for me. But, I can’t compare my feelings about it to anyone else.
Failing that class may have serious repercussions. I found out a few weeks ago that my GPA is not being transferred into my new school, despite being in the same school system. Which means, only this semester will be used to calculate my current GPA. This means, with my F, a B, a C and a D (possibly C if I can get some work done) I will have a horrendous GPA. I may be put on Academic suspension… I may have my financial aid suspended. This is a problem as that’s how I pay for a good portion of my bills right now and as I won’t be paying for school out of pocket with no job or enough money in reserve to do so. But, the window for me to pack up and go back to Milwaukee has just closed with paying the bills for May. I no longer have enough money to pay for the move back there and to float my bills for a couple months until I can find employment.
I’m in a state of flux. I have no idea what is going to happen in the upcoming weeks. I haven’t even mentioned the fact that Jeff is looking to buy a house and some of the houses he is looking at are outside of a reasonable commuting range for any school that would accept me, which, would mean that I should go back to Milwaukee anyways. But, again, I’m stuck with that monetary problem. I’m tired of being envious of 17 year old Donny. He had a car, a gf who loved him, friends to hangout with whenever he wanted, a job, enough money to have fun. 25 year old Donny still has a car, but no gf, no friends to hang out with, no job, and essentially no money. I have effectively become one of those people they make fun of in the movies and TV who remember high school as their glory days. I have become Al Bundy…
I’m lost. I don’t know if I can be found. I don’t know what I want out of life anymore besides an end to it. I know life is meant to be hard, but I’m out of answers. I’m out of ideas. I’m almost out of fight…
Well, I’m done ranting. If you haven’t seen today’s vlog, here it is:
And here’s a video to a song that I’ve listened to 100x in the last 2 days. Enjoy.