Such a lonely day…
It sure is a dreary, rainy day. This picture sums the day up perfectly. I know I’m blogging about 12 hours off schedule, but I thought an update would be good since I’m sitting in the library and I’m too tired to actually concentrate on the homework, or studying that I should be doing. So here goes.
I guess the depression is getting better. My days are almost always fine. It’s the nights, post midnight, when I have little to keep me distracted, that I get messed up. Maybe my depression isn’t going away and it’s just that I’m able to keep myself distracted. Maybe everyone is depressed, but because some are so good at keeping busy, they never notice it? It’s probably not the latter, but it’s nice to make myself sound normal from time to time. I think I’ve finally come to terms with being single, only 1 short year after complete mayhem in the form of a woman ripped through my life. My biggest regret in that whole thing is that I let her steal from me who I was. It’s not to say that I didn’t need some change, but I feel as though I was stripped bare of most of the defenses I’d built up over my rough life. *world’s smallest violin* I find myself experiencing emotions I had never felt, or at least, forgot feeling. The biggest of these is rage. It doesn’t take much to get me to fly off the handle these days. Just last night, in Geology class, while not understanding what was being asked for in an assignment, and with poor guidance from the teacher, I nearly lost it. I had to walk out of class, and follow that by driving my car like an ass. My poor car has taken so much abuse lately, just so that I could vent some frustration. Hard, fast driving = peace for me. So, this lead to me venting to Jeff when I got home, which lead to the most important part of the evening, this blog and my near future.
Give up on my associates degree?!
Indeed. No. I’m not giving up on school. But, Thomas Nelson Community College is SOOOO assed up, I couldn’t finish the blog in a week if I were to talk about the flaws, faults and non-sensory going on here. But, basically, it appears, if I were to stay on for my associates, I could get it at the end of the Fall 2011 semester, which is awesome, but then, I’d have to wait until Fall 2012 to go to Old Dominion University (my school of choice). IF I act fast, it appears (I need to make some confirmations before anything happens) that I can get enrolled at ODU for Fall 2011 and they will accept all 62 credits I currently posses and I would just work towards a bachelors. Since the overall goal is to get that bachelors, an associates doesn’t really matter. The problem is ME. I’m flaky. And with every day pulling me down, or towards Milwaukee, I’m afraid that I’ll get 85% towards that degree and then I’ll move back to Milwaukee, leaving me with a lot of debt, a lot of credits and nothing in writing to make me more valuable in the job market. If I finish the associates degree, at least I have that if I flake. But, maybe that’s my problem. I always hedge as to how I’m going to fail and never as to how I’m going to succeed. If I make the jump to ODU, I’m telling myself that I will, under whatever it takes, finish my bachelors. I’m heavily leaning towards that right now, though, it does kind of terrify me. Sure I’ve been going to “college” for the last 6 years, but I haven’t been to a university. Supposedly, everything changes when you get to that level. My lack of social skills developed by 4 years of non-communication with the outside world worries me, though, people continue to tell me I’m awesome, and request my presence both on this Earth and in their exact proximity. So, maybe, again, I’m just being too hard on myself. I’m learning that I can be quite self-defeating and I need to learn to stop that. Overall, I don’t think there’s a whole lot wrong with me. I don’t know why I wish myself to live up to unrealistic, unhuman expectations. A therapist would have a field day with me, I’m sure. I think someday, I’ll just write a book about all my psychosis, paranoia, insane constructs, and call it a fiction work so that it sells. 😀 After all, I can be a nut. But, I’m way off topic now. I’m able to laugh and joke, so I’m making, progress. I feel overall better most days, as I stated before and just restated. Errr. Did I mention I’m tired? Probably not. I’m tired. Slept from 6am to 730am today.
Anyways. That’s my update. I need to have serious thought on the ODU situation in the next few days and find out the best course of action. I guess giving up on an associates as long as I’m still bettering myself is wise and not exactly giving up. I just don’t want to waste any more time or money that doesn’t need to be wasted. I’m 25 going on 40 and I want to get on with my life. Being a poor college student was fun for a while, but I’m over it. When I need a new hard drive for my computer, I don’t want to have to siphon off $10 per month of the allowance I give myself for 6 months in advance. It’s ridiculous!
Oh, lastly, the title of this blog is totally about the System of a Down song, not actually feeling alone. As I said, I think I’ve come to terms with being single. I’m actually back to the point of thinking that a girl would just be a disruption to my life. Which, was the same revelation I came to about 15 months ago, and then SHE came along. A crazy test WILL be administered if any women decide to just drop out of the sky, appearing to be a perfect match for me again.
Time for psychology. Oh how I loathe this class. I feel like I’m the exception to the rule in most cases we’ve talked about this semester. Is logical thinking REALLY that powerful? Maybe…